She's gone.

My baby left me today.


The eldest belle. The one who has sworn, with fervor, that she would never, ever, ever leave me. Was going to live at home with me forever. Didn't want to get married. Just wanted to be with me.


That one.


She left.


Some would argue that she left yesterday, at 10:00 am, when the van that she was riding in pulled out of the church parking lot headed for a week of camp with 75 of her closest friends. She grit her teeth, eyes watering and lip quivering....said "I love you" and walked away from me.



Others would argue that she left me a week and a half ago, when she announced, out of the blue, that she wanted to go to camp. I rushed down and paid the registration the next day, I was so excited and thrilled that she wanted to go.



But today is when she left me.



I've been keeping tabs on her, via text messaging, with one of the camp leaders. She cried yesterday. Last night, a 10:00 pm phone call revealed a sobbing, homesick belle, who through her tears admitted that she was having a great time..she just missed me.



I encouraged her. Told her I loved her. Did all the right mom things. Told her to hold her head high...that she could do this and would be better, and stronger, and that her courage in even taking this monumental, life altering step was amazing to me and that she constantly impressed me with her growing up. Told her to grab her can of silly string and start spraying it on anyone who happened to be nearby and have a great time.


She listened. And today............nothing.



No tears.

No texts about her being sad.

No phone call.



I'm not sure which is worse: the pain of knowing that she is away from me and missing me and just needing to be with me; or the pain of knowing that she is away from me and is ok with that.



Because this monumental, life altering step did just that: it changed her. For the better, but there's no going back now.